Sunday, November 25, 2012

going "home"

I spent my thanksgiving break with my family in Los Angeles but being there brought back so many memories that hurt.  I was great seeing my family but house if full of so many memories and things that happened this summer that kept coming into my head making me sad all over again. As I spent the week there and moved about more memories came up as I passed places.
I don't know if i will be able to go back to Los Angeles when I am done with my third year teaching over here in the Bay. I might just stay up here and try to forget it all and start over by myself.

-a tearful Ms.D

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I see the further unfailing before me.

The path is clearing with a road that I must travel. My unconscious efforts have created a future that has me pondering with uncertainty. Second guessing myself in every aspect of life, what kind of person will I become? I am not sure how I envision myself in the future . I only had one part work out ---  a small house with a garden and a husky -- this was shot to hell to say the least.  I wish to be free and disconnect myself from the world but the responsibilities and pedestals I have been placed on are caging me in. I am uncertain of what I want to be, should I fill the shoes of the prodigy that they envision me as? Doing so would mean a great change would come to the world of education.  Am I  just being selfish in even contemplating this?

Ms. D

Very catchy.

-Ms. D

Friday, November 23, 2012

Other circulating thoughts....

I really don't know what is going on, no joke 2 guys within the last week have told me they like me. One of them wanted me to be his girlfriend, like now. He even said he would move to the bay to be with me and that he would be supportive no matter what I do. I know some of you are thinking "wtf I want a boyfriend and ou have two after you". Oh I said no to him by the way, Don't get me wrong he seemed like a really nice guy but perhaps you haven't realized from my other posts, but I'm not ready. He was very adamant that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me etc. but I just have a hard time believing any males right now. So no, I refuse to be involved with anyone. Much less with a person I hardly know. 



I am being pulled part in in every which way direction and all I want to do is keep myself together. LIfe has introduced me to many people some who I have been happy to welcome into my life and often I question if I should have. I have had my soul shredded into pieces by who I thought was a loved one.  I cannot say that my time with this person was not all spent in suffering. We had our good times but I know I did not deserve what happened. I wish things would of ended differently because in the end I also lost my friend. The one who I trusted with everything even my darkest secrets. Now I have no one I can speak. to or even feel comfortable speaking to about some of my issues at hand.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

a weird moment in life...

In the past month I have been contacted by 3 of my past… I don't even know what you would call them,  significant others? 
Well anyways,  there's an patter that has come to the surface. they tell me that I was a positive key figure in their life. However I find this hard to believe for many reasons, they have all betrayed me or have done me wrong in a deep way. Why they choose to acknowledge me know is a mystery to me. Why they couldn't do that while we were together is even harder to comprehend. 

Ms. D

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I was done

September was anything but easy. I thought I left it all behind, but really it was just hidden under the mounds of stress and work that I had. Any moment that I get to myself, I get thrown back and I don't want to be there.

You left me. I was always there no matter what. In your greatest times of need when everyone turned their back and left, I stayed. Even when you wanted to give up on yourself I was there, I knew you were capable of better. When all was done,in the end, you left me when I needed you the most. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Where do I stand now?

                We don’t express emotion in my family. We keep it to ourselves, bottle it up and create ulcers in our body. That is how my family deals with emotion. As a result my sisters and I did not learn how to express emotion with one another. We never told each other that we loved them or said how we enjoyed time with one another or talk about what is wrong with us. You would think 3 girls would lead to a very chatty house full on constant emotions. However we are the exact opposite of the stereotype. We hardly talk to one another, and are practically strangers. We don’t know what is going on in the extremities of each others life like siblings who grew up loving each other would.
               I have never told anyone I loved them and truly meant it except for one person. I am very guarded with my emotions and had vowed to not let anyone in and live a life alone. I broke that vow. I let someone in who I believed was it. I never thought I would find the ‘it’ but I did. I told him I loved him and he loved me too. We talked about kids, getting married and even house decorations. You’re probably thinking ‘weird’ hu? But I was taken away at the time and everything seemed like it was falling in place. He had an adorable son that I actually loved too. I remember being nervous the first time I met him because I didn’t know if you would like me. It took him a little to warm up to me because he was sleepy. I told him I loved him, but that didn’t last long. He left me, twice. Every time we meet up we end up attracted to one another again. I wonder how things would of turned out if I never left LA….
               But I’m not, and he’s still there and now there is someone else. All the promises made have been broken; all the proclamations of his love to me have been voided.  

Stiching together,

Sunday, August 12, 2012

If there are gods

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
Marcus Aurelius
Found using stumbleupon

-Ms. D

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Chevron Fire (Richmond)

My roommate had to evacuate out apartment as our neighborhood filled with clouds of black smoke. She had to take refuge at a friends apartment in SF. While I knew my roommate was safe, what about all my students and their families that live even closer to the refinery than I do. Why are these refineries located near neighborhood of colored children. My students along with the rest of the citizens of Richmond were told of a shelter in place to avoid any contact with the cloud of god-knows-what. Why must my students and their families have to go through such scare? Why must they go through such injustices? The people of Richmond have a right to be angry and have their voices and concerns need to be heard.

That green arrow if where the refinery is located, the red dot is where my elementary school is located, and there are others that are closer! Tell me, how is this fair?

Sunday, August 5, 2012

The beginning of summer

I never enjoyed summer much during college, I enjoyed it more when I was in my k-12 education but I have to say I definitely enjoy it more as a teacher. It's a much needed breath of air. So what's the first thing I did.... I let my suppressed rebel breath! I dyed my hair blue. It brought me back to my college and high cool days where I could be free and express myself and hide myself through my vibrant hair color. I used Manic Panic's Voodoo.
Then I got bored with it and wanted some more pop and added another blue. I liked the outcome, but this color bled too much afterward and my hands and neck were always getting stained blue. Yup teachers are rebels too, we are complicated individuals that can't wait for summer vacation to start so we can outwardly do all the crazy things we normally keep inside.

Ms. D

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Looking for a distraction.

I haven't posted in a while, I'm still trying to get the hang of it but really that isn't an excuse. I'm going to try harder to write instead if keeping everything in. So I've been doing quite a bit since summer started so I'm going to post up some stuff that I've done. Maybe this will keep my mind and heart at bay.....

Sunday, June 3, 2012

yearning, but for what?

My soul yearns, and i know for what. But the why , is what I cannot answer. I knew I hadn't come to peace with it, but why again.

They say loved sould stay connected with one another, but does that mean the other is calling for me?
I doubt it.
Perhaps it's just a loose wire.

Monday, May 14, 2012

ranting of the mind

I’m probably a fool for still thinking about them. But it’s hard to try and get over people when you didn’t have closure or even just say good-bye. 

Timing is an important aspect in a relationship and it always seems to fail me. Timing was on neither of our sides and the lack of it together pulled us apart, not to mention all the other things tumbling down around us. I tried to help but you weren’t used to having people help you and you always pushed me away, and it hurt. 

Our last moments together were always spent reassuring you that I did love you and that you weren’t worthless. I wanted to tell you that you were being insecure for no reason.  We may have been in different stages on our life but it should have been thing to talk about not tare us apart. Did it bother you that I had a career and could support myself and you couldn’t? I never would ask you in person because I was scared of hurting you, because I knew you wanted to be “a man” and be able to support me.
I knew what you had and didn’t have going into the relationship. You were a good person with a good heart, and I didn’t know how to show you that I valued that the most from you. You were a friend I could talk to, the one who always went the extra mile for me. ..

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

of late...

From right to left, Basil, morning burst oregano, basil, and tomatoes

I'm trying to occupy myself, mostly my mind. I started a mini garden, these are the plants I have growing inside.


Meet Las Chingonas. I decided to paint them 
on a cactus bowl.

On a different note today was teacher appreciation day and one of my students brought me this fruit basket. Perfect gift for a vegan, and they even game me my favorites, Plums and green apples. :)

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Balcony Garden

I started a very small garden on my apartment balcony, I have tomatoes, basil and cilantro. The cilantro is growing fast and so is the tomato plant. I can't wait to eat some home grown food. It takes me back to the days where I would harvest food with my dad.

I want to try growing some peppers and some cucumbers. I think I will start experimenting with different fruits and veggies. :D

Ms. D

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I'm going back again.

I want to be hidden.

Teaching Spanish

At the beginning of the year when we were talking about teaching our students Spanish I was excited about the idea but I was scared for myself. My mom always told me that I spoke pocho Spanish, and at that, it was Splanglish. I am the youngest of 3 and I learned English first because of my sisters, Spanish was the side language. I was not proud of my Spanish growing up, i wanted to have proper vocabulary. So in high school I began my studying and all the way through college but nothing has helped more than having to teach it to others, and now my Spanish isn't too shabby ;)

Ms. D

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Your apologies mean nothing to me,
they have become so repetitive
the words no longer have meaning.

I'm not a game, don't play me.
You are a child still wondering lost,
while I'm in a journey of survival.

I want you by my side,
but to you that can't be done.


I got a guinea pig not too long ago to keep me company, but it turns out that he hates me. Sylvester keeps to himself and doesn't like to be bothered. I feed him his favorite snack (carrots) and give him lots of floor time but something about me I guess he doesn't like. I gave him some paper to burrow with and he covered up all his cage to the point where I couldn't see him or what he did. I could only hear him.

this happens with everything ...