going "home"

I spent my thanksgiving break with my family in Los Angeles but being there brought back so many memories that hurt.  I was great seeing my family but house if full of so many memories and things that happened this summer that kept coming into my head making me sad all over again. As I spent the week there and moved about more memories came up as I passed places.

I don't know if i will be able to go back to Los Angeles when I am done with my third year teaching over here in the Bay. I might just stay up here and try to forget it all and start over by myself.

-a tearful Ms.D

I see the further unfailing before me.

The path is clearing with a road that I must travel. My unconscious efforts have created a future that has me pondering with uncertainty. Second guessing myself in every aspect of life, what kind of person will I become? I am not sure how I envision myself in the future . I only had one part work out ---  a small house with a garden and a husky -- this was shot to hell to say the least.  I wish to be free and disconnect myself from the world but the responsibilities and pedestals I have been placed on are caging me in. I am uncertain of what I want to be, should I fill the shoes of the prodigy that they envision me as? Doing so would mean a great change would come to the world of education.  Am I  just being selfish in even contemplating this?

Ms. D

Very catchy.

-Ms. D

Other circulating thoughts....

I really don't know what is going on, no joke 2 guys within the last week have told me they like me. One of them wanted me to be his girlfriend, like now. He even said he would move to the bay to be with me and that he would be supportive no matter what I do. I know some of you are thinking "wtf I want a boyfriend and ou have two after you". Oh I said no to him by the way, Don't get me wrong he seemed like a really nice guy but perhaps you haven't realized from my other posts, but I'm not ready. He was very adamant that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me etc. but I just have a hard time believing any males right now. So no, I refuse to be involved with anyone. Much less with a person I hardly know. 

Ms.D

tired...

I am being pulled part in in every which way direction and all I want to do is keep myself together. LIfe has introduced me to many people some who I have been happy to welcome into my life and often I question if I should have. I have had my soul shredded into pieces by who I thought was a loved one.  I cannot say that my time with this person was not all spent in suffering. We had our good times but I know I did not deserve what happened. I wish things would of ended differently because in the end I also lost my friend. The one who I trusted with everything even my darkest secrets. Now I have no one I can speak. to or even feel comfortable speaking to about some of my issues at hand.

Ms.D

a weird moment in life...

In the past month I have been contacted by 3 of my past… I don't even know what you would call them,  significant others? 

Well anyways,  there's an patter that has come to the surface. they tell me that I was a positive key figure in their life. However I find this hard to believe for many reasons, they have all betrayed me or have done me wrong in a deep way. Why they choose to acknowledge me know is a mystery to me. Why they couldn't do that while we were together is even harder to comprehend. 

Ms. D

I was done

September was anything but easy. I thought I left it all behind, but really it was just hidden under the mounds of stress and work that I had. Any moment that I get to myself, I get thrown back and I don't want to be there.

You left me. I was always there no matter what. In your greatest times of need when everyone turned their back and left, I stayed. Even when you wanted to give up on yourself I was there, I knew you were capable of better. When all was done,in the end, you left me when I needed you the most.